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M*A*S*H (1972)
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M*A*S*H - The Pilot
At the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (M.A.S.H) unit in Korea, two army doctors by the names of Hawkeye Pierce and Trapper John McIntyre receive some exciting news in the mail. Their Korean house boy, Ho-John got accepted into Hawkeye's old college. Hawkeye and Trapper decide to hold a party filled with music, dancing, and alcohol to raise money for Ho-John's plane trip to the U.S. They achieve this by raffling off a weekend pass with a nurse, Lieutenant Dish for R&R in Tokyo.
To Market, to Market
The hijacking of the 4077th's hydrocortizone delivery forces Hawkeye and Trapper to use the black market. They get one businessman interested in Col. Blake's antique oak desk and trade it to get some of the drug. Margaret and Frank become suspicious about their plotting, and about the Koreans who come to check out the desk. Henry Blake, very fond of his desk, and Maj. Burns watches it get hoisted away by helicopter.
Requiem for a Lightweight
Trapper and Hawkeye seek to keep a new nurse from being transferred by Hot Lips, and they vie for her affection. Henry Blake, challenged by another commander to a boxing tournament, makes Trapper fight a big, intimidating soldier in exchange for keeping the nurse at the 4077th. Hawkeye and Ugly John employ the use of a glove soaked with ether to insure Trapper's victory, which impresses the nurse. Margaret and Frank's attempts to unfix the match collapses, as they are flattened by the unconscious boxer!
Chief Surgeon Who?
Frank Burns complains about Hawkeye Pierce's disrespect...and Henry appoints Hawkeye chief surgeon, to Burns's shock. The rest of the 4077th "coronates" Hawk while Frank and Hot Lips complain to General Barker. The General's visit provides him with a view of life at the 4077th M*A*S*H unit: camp hijinks, a poker game, and a surgery session. This shows him M*A*S*H has fun but gets the job done.
The Moose
A GI arrives in camp with a "moose"--a Korean female slave!--who was bought from her family for $500. Trapper, Radar, and an incensed Hawkeye conspire to cheat at poker to win her away from the GI. They attempt to give her back but discover that her family, in the person of her wiseacre brother, will resell her. The three try a "Pygmalion" effort to give her self-respect.
Yankee Doodle Doctor
The 4077th is designated as the setting for the making of an army film on Mobile Army Surgical Hospital units. Hawkeye is chosen as the star while Margaret and Frank compose a screenplay. The Eye Of The Hawk objects to the piece of propoganda that filmmaker Lt. Bricker is producing and, having exposed the original film, reshoots a new one his way, starring himself as Groucho Marx-ish Yankee Doodle Doctor, and poking fun at glorifying doctors while concluding with a rather serious speech about the hell of war.
Bananas, Crackers and Nuts
A barrage of heavy casualties leave an exhausted Hawkeye with an insatiable yen for some R&R in Tokyo. His attempts to get Frank to sign a pass with insanity only result in Frank and Hot Lips ordering a psychiatric examination. The Eye Of The Hawk continues his act by telling Capt. Sherman, the psychiatrist, he's in love with Maj. Burns. Sherman is ready to commit him until Hawk and Trap set him up to make a pass at Maj. Houlihan and have him discredited. At the end Capts. Pierce and MacIntyre are all set to go, until they are interrupted by another barrage of heavy casualties.
Cowboy
John Hodges, a chopper pilot referred to as The Cowboy because of his gun holster belt and cowboy hat, has been hit in the shoulder, and arrives at the 4077th. He is expecting a letter--he's worried his wife Jean at home is leaving him for another man ("She's probably off with some rodeo rider; she's a sucker for a 10-gallon hat!"). He wants to go home, but Henry refuses, stating Cowboy's wound isn't serious enough to merit a stateside ticket. Bad luck then follows Henry Blake like the seat of his pants: he gets shot at while golfing, his tent gets flattened by a driverless jeep, and the latrine explodes while he's inside. The Cowboy offers to fly Henry to Seoul and then threatens to shove him out! The letter finally arives for Cowboy, assuring he is loved. Hawkeye and Trapper uses the radio to convince The Cowboy to spare Henry's life and come down, at which they succeed.
Henry, Please Come Home
Henry receives a citation for the camp achieving the best efficiency rating, and then General Hammond reassigns him to Tokyo. Frank then changes the camp to be more military, and he confiscates Hawkeye's and Trapper's still. They use forged passes to go to Tokyo to convince Henry to come back and end up pretending Radar is sick.
I Hate A Mystery
A rash of thefts breaks out in the camp. Missing pieces include Frank's silver picture frame, Margaret's hair brush, and Trapper's watch. The camp is searched and everything is found in Hawkeye's locker. Everyone thinks he did it. Hawkeye manages to announce to the camp that the items will be dusted for prints to identify the real thief, and catches Ho Jon. He needed money to bring his family from the North, and to bribe border guards.
Germ Warfare
Hawkeye moves a wounded North Korean soldier into The Swamp, rather than let him be shipped out before he's stable. During the night he and Trapper play Dracula, and siphon off a pint of Frank's blood. The soldier then contracts hepatitis, so they have to test Frank without him knowing, and have to keep him away from Margaret and the patients.
Dear Dad
Hawkeye writes home, describing Christmas in Korea: Radar ships a jeep home, a piece at a time; Henry gives the monthly lecture on sex, with the aid of figure A and figure B; Trapper helps deliver a calf; Klinger and Frank get into a fight, but Father Mulcahy smoothes things over; Hawkeye and Trapper sabotage Margaret's tent; Hawkeye flies to the front line dressed as Santa, to help a wounded soldier.
Edwina
The nurses go to extremes lengths to find a date for Nurse Eddie - they won't go out with anyone until Eddie gets a date. The men draw straws, and Hawkeye is the big loser, especially after Eddie nearly kills him in a scene resembling teenage "mating" rituals.
Love Story
Radar gets a Dear John recording from home. Hawkeye and Trapper try to set him up with a date, but fail. Radar is taken by a new nurse at the camp and she is into poetry and music, so they coach him. Margaret wants to stop the relationship, so Hawkeye and Trapper get between her and Frank until she relents. Radar's "Ahhhh, Bach!" and "That's highly significant," quotes win him the girl.
Tuttle
Hawkeye creates a fake doctor, Captain Jonathan S. Tuttle, to give supplies to the local orphans. Henry wants Tuttle to be officer of the day, so Hawkeye creates a fake personnel file, and all his back pay is given to the orphanage. When General Clayton wants to reward his generosity, Hawkeye is forced to invent a story about Tuttle jumping from a chopper without his parachute! Of course, Trapper's new friend, Captain Murdoch, obtained the fake dog tags and parachute...!
The Ringbanger
Hawkeye and Trapper do an operation on Col. Buzz Brighton" (Leslie Nielson), who Margaret breathlessly proclaims "I saw his picture in Star's and Stripes." The two are trying to remove a bullet from his leg. After removing the bullet and discovering who he is, Hawkeye and Trapper observe that the local anastetic used probably wasn't their best choice, and invite Colonel Brighton back to the swamp for a little home made painkillers. He accepts, and when he stops by later, Trapper and Hawkeye decide it would be in his best interest if he didn't head back out to the front line - "at least not right now" they tell themselves. So, in typical Hawkeye and Pierce fashion, they pull a great number of pratical jokes to convince Buzz that he needs to stay, including telling him that Henry is a boozer. They also managed to slip in that Frank showed up to an air raid in High Heels - which have nicley been planted next to his things when Buzz stops by later. Due to telling Radar about the jokes, they have also arranged for Radar to deliver a white bra, a white slip and a black lacy top to Frank as his laundry. Hawkeye and Trapper get Henry nice and drunk at the same time that Margaret and Frank are in Buzz's tent - which succeeds in doing nothing more than rattling Buzz's cage. Which, oddly enough, is exactly what Trapper and Hawkeye wanted them to do. Once Henry is too drunk to know what is going on, Trapper, Hawkeye, Radar, and Henry head off to Buzz's tent - with Buzz's discharge orders firmly in tow, just awaiting a signature from Henry. Convinced they're doing the right thing, and with Henry too drunk to know the difference, Buzz's walking papers get signed, and Buzz is sent on his way to the states - with little enthuasiam from Buzz.
Sometimes You Hear the Bullet
Frank throws his back out whilst spending the evening with Margaret, and ends up in traction. He promptly applies for the Purple Heart, having been 'technically' wounded at a frontline unit. Tommy Gillis, an old friend of Hawkeye's, is writing a book about the war, and pays him a visit. Later, Tommy is brought into the camp, seriously wounded, and Hawkeye can't save him. A 15-year-old kid is in the hospital to have his appendix out. He joined up to be a hero back home, but Hawkeye has him sent home, giving him Frank's purple heart.
Dear Dad, Again
Once again, Hawkeye writes home to his father, telling him of the latest gossip: the camp gets a new surgeon, who turns out to be a fake; Hawkeye bets he can walk into the mess tent naked for lunch, and no one will notice; Radar cheats on his final exam from the High School diploma company; Margaret rejects Franks advances and he gets drunk late into the night; the camp have a no talent night.
The Long-John Flap
The camp suffers from the severe cold, except for Hawkeye who has received some long john's from his father. They get passed around from person to person, as a gift, a gambling stake, a trade, a bribe, stolen, given up to Father Mulcahy, who gives them to Henry, who returns them to Hawkeye as thanks for taking out his appendix.
The Army-Navy Game
The camp tunes into the Army/Navy football game, only to be shelled and have an unexploded bomb land in the middle of the compound. They ring around trying to identify the bomb, and the camp prepares for the worst. Hawkeye and Trapper are left the task of following instructions to disarm the bomb, which turns out to be full of propaganda leaflets from the CIA.
Sticky Wicket
Hawkeye and Frank argue over Frank's surgical ability. Hawkeye performs a difficult operation and the patient does not recover, as he should. Hawkeye begins to doubt his ability and moves out of The Swamp. He decides to open up his patients again, and discovers a nick in the colon that even Frank admits anyone could have missed.
Major Fred C. Dobbs
As usual Frank's normal drone of verbal abuse upsets Ginger, so Hawkeye puts his arm in a cast while he is asleep. Frank puts in for a transfer, and after a broadcast goes out of Frank telling Margaret he's leaving, she decides to leave as well. As a result, Col. Blake puts both Hawk and Trap on double post-op duty until he finds replacements for Majs. Burns and Houlihan. Unwilling to lose their two favorite patsies, and to be worn to a frazzle from doing 2 shifts in O/R, Hawkeye and Trapper hatch a scheme to prevent Frank and Hot Lips from leaving. That night, Hawkeye and Trapper pretend they have found gold, letting Frank overhear them. Frank then withdraws his request when he thinks he's found gold himself, although the joke is on him when he finds, amongst other things, a gilded jeep!
Cease-Fire
General Clayton calls so say that a ceasefire is to be declared. The camp celebrates, Klinger gives away his dresses and locals start to take pieces of the camp. But Trapper does not believe it. Hawkeye claims he is married to avoid promises he made to several nurses. The party to celebrate the cease-fire, which never really took place, is interrupted by incoming wounds.
Showtime
Captain Kaplan is to be shipped home, but becomes paranoid that something will happen to him before he leaves. He takes the wheel of the jeep to drive to Kimpo himself, but crashes and ends up in plaster. An entertainer, Jackie Flash, visits the camp to entertain the troops.
Divided We Stand
Brought on by Frank and Margaret's negative reports, General Clayton assigns a psychiatrist, Captain Hildebrand, to examine the 4077th M*A*S*H unit, to see if it should be disbanded. Henry tells them to be on their best behavior, or else they will be split up. But the 4077th soon begins to act in their traditional, insane ways: the shrink experiences Max Klinger, watches the hijinks of Hawkeye and Trapper John, and witnesses the trysts of Frank and Hot Lips. While Hildebrand confronts the unit on its behaviour, choppers bearing wounded begin to arrive and everyone heads for the OR. The onslaught of casualties shows the 4077th's true side.
5 O'Clock Charlie
An inept North Korean pilot, known as "5 O'Clock Charlie", makes his daily attempt to bomb the ammo dump. Frank puts in a request for an anti-aircraft gun, which is granted when Charlie hits General Clayton's jeep. Frank takes charge of the gun, while Hawkeye and Trapper are determined to prevent him using it, by getting rid of the ammo dump. Frank misses Charlie and destroys the dump.
Radar's Report
Radar writes the weekly activity report. Hawkeye operates on a wounded prisoner who grabs a scalpel and attacks the doctors. Frank wants Klinger thrown out on a section 8,so Henry calls in a psychiatrist, Major Freedman. Hawkeye is attracted to a new nurse but thinks she is married. Trapper loses a patient who developed complications during the O.R. fracas with the wounded soldier.
For the Good of the Outfit
Hawkeye and Trapper want the army to admit responsibility for the accidental bombing of a local village. They fill out a report and Major Stoner arrives to investigate, and leaves with all the evidence. When the story is released it claims that the enemy bombed the village, and the army tries to gag the doctors. But, thinking there could be a medal in it for him, Frank has also put a report together, with copies of all the evidence, including shell fragments, so the army comes clean.
Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde
Hawkeye has been in non-stop surgery for 3 straight days without sleep, and the wounded keep coming. He decides to find out who started the war, and sends a telegram to Harry S Trueman. After listening to some of Frank's rubbish about the North Koreans wanting better plumbing, he tries to send the officers' latrine to the North Koreans with an offer of peace. Trapper finally manages to sedate him. Trapper (about Hawkeye): "I guess he's just unstable. You see, he took this weird oath as a young man, never to just stand by and watch people die."
Kim
Hawkeye operates on a 5-year old Korean boy, and Radar can't find his family. Henry plans to send him to the orphanage, and the camp enjoys his company while they can. Trapper decides to adopt him after consulting his wife, and has to rescue him after he wanders into the minefield. Kim's mother turns up at the orphanage looking for him.
L.I.P.
Corporal Walker is being sent home, and he wants to marry his Korean girl so she and their baby can return with him. CID sends Lt Willis to investigate, but when he refuses Hawkeye and Trapper frame him. Hawkeye is upset that a nurse he was pursuing does not approve of the marriage between "a gook" and "one of us".
The Trial of Henry Blake
Majors Houlihan and Burns challenge Colonel Blake's fitness to command, and put Hawkeye and trapper under arrest so that they can't help him. Fortunately for Henry, they escape, and with the aid of Meg Cratty come to the rescue.
Dear Dad... Three
Once more Hawkeye writes home to his father: the doctors operate on a soldier with a grenade shot into his body; Hawkeye and Trapper colour the skin of a racist patient, who demanded the right colour blood, while he is asleep; Henry gets a movie of his daughters birthday from home; the officers hold the monthly staff meeting.
The Sniper
A lone sniper has the 4077th pinned down - including Radar and Henry in the shower. The poor boy thinks he's firing on McArthur's headquarters, and a chopper finally comes by and wounds him with gunfire from above, ending the siege. Hawkeye walks out to into the bush to tend to the wounded soldier.
Carry On Hawkeye
The camp succumbs to the Asian flu, except for Hawkeye and Margaret, who have to do everything themselves. Then Margaret catches it. As the others start to recover, Hawkeye falls ill but is thanked with a commemorative roll of toilet paper.
The Incubator
Hawkeye and Trapper recover from an all night party. Henry gets a barbecue, and Hawkeye puts in a request for an incubator. The Quartermaster turns him down. They locate a Major with 3 incubators, but he won't let them have one. A Colonel tries to sell them one, and then they get into trouble with a General at a press conference. Finally, Radar trades the barbecue for an incubator.
Deal Me Out
Sidney Freedman comes to the camp, and joins in the poker game at The Swamp. Radar hits a local with a jeep, although the local is famous for jumping in front of vehicles for the compensation. Hawkeye and Trapper operate on an intelligence officer against regulations. Sidney helps talk around a soldier who wants to kill Frank.
Hot Lips and Empty Arms
Margaret revaluates her life, and decides to leave Frank and ask for a transfer, which is granted. She gets drunk at her goodbye party, but is sobered up in the shower when wounded start arriving. She changes her mind when she realises how loyal her friends are.
Officers Only
Hawkeye and Trapper operate on General Mitchell's son, and the General gives them 3 days in Tokyo and an officers club for the camp. They plot to allow the enlisted men access to the club, and when the General opens it the rules are bent to give his son access, which Hawkeye exploits to give access to all. Klinger pretends to be pregnant.
Henry in Love
Henry returns from a week in Tokyo, to announce that he is in love with a 20-year old girl called Nancy Sue Parker. She arrives for the weekend, and Henry shows her off. Nancy comes on to Hawkeye while Henry is in surgery. Henry is reminded of his wife back home when Radar places a call for him, and he realises it's his wife he loves.
For Want of a Boot
A riotous episode in which Hawkeye will do anything to get a new pair of boots: In order to get Zale to get him some, he must get an appointment for Zale with Futterman, the camp dentist, who will only do it if Henry will give him a pass to Tokyo, and Henry will only grant the pass if Houlihan will get off his back, which she will do only if the guys throw a party for Frank's birthday, with a cake, and Radar will only help get the cake if he gets a date with Nurse Murphy, who will only date someone with a hair dryer, and Klinger won't give up the hair dryer unless he gets a section 8 (and Frank won't sign). Inevitably, the deal falls through, much to the Hawkeye's chagrin.
Operation Noselift
Private Baker, who is always going AWOL, is desperate for plastic surgery on his nose. Hawkeye gets an old friend, and plastic surgeon, to visit the camp, promising him a nurse called "The Barracuda". They put together an elaborate scheme to perform the operation without Frank or Margaret finding out.
The Chosen People
A Korean family set up camp in the middle of the compound. A Korean woman with a baby comes looking for the father, and names Radar. Civilian affairs relocates the family and blood tests prove Radar is not the father.
As You Were
While there are no casualties, Hawkeye & Trapper crate up Frank while he sleeps and receive gorilla suits through the mail. Henry gets a tan and gives another sex orientation lecture. When the wounded start pouring in again, their own side shells the camp, hitting the generator, and Radar tries to get through to someone to stop the shelling.
Crisis
The supply lines to the camp are cut. Radar, the housing officer, starts doubling people up to save fuel and Klinger is thrown out of the nurse's tent. People start burning everything to stay warm while Frank wears his heated socks. The toilet paper supply is worst hit, and then wounded start arriving. Supplies are eventually restored.
George
Burns tries to slap a dishonorable discharge on a decorated soldier who admits to being a homosexual, Private Weston. Weston: "Two guys got beaten up in my outfit. One colored, the other homosexual. As you can see, Doc., I'm not colored."
Mail Call
The arrival of a new batch of mail leaves Trapper depressed, and thinking of desertion, despite Hawkeye's efforts to dissuade him. Meanwhile, Hawkeye learns that he has successfully tricked Frank into buying stocks in a fictitious company, Pioneer Aviation.
A Smattering of Intelligence
A classic episode in which Colonel Flagg and another secret agent from another intelligence agency come to the 4077th to keep their eyes on one another and the camp. Hawkeye and Trapper trick them both into thinking that Burns is a traitor - one thinks he's a fascist, the other thinks he's a communist. Vinny Pratt, a friend of Trapper's turns up.
The General Flipped at Dawn
An inspection by a decorated and strict 2-star Major General Bartford Hamilton Steele puts the 4077th on edge. When he arrives, its behaviour leaves much to be desired, but so does the general's sanity! He mistakes Klinger for his wife and Hawkeye for a news reporter, but the final straw comes when, after talking to a chopper pilot, he decides too much fuel is being wasted and orders the unit to bug out and move the camp closer to the front, just to show that a MASH unit should in fact be mobile. At this point, everyone except Frank has decided the Gen. Steele is nuts. When Hawkeye goes over Steele's head and sends a chopper off with a patient on it to get him to Seoul instead of letting the general use it for scouting out the new MASH site, Steele calls for a court martial. When the military hearing is assembled, the general asks for an African-American pilot for a "musical number," because he has it in his blood. Thus the general exposes his own mental instability, and the MP calls the hearing off. The next day, upon learning that Gen. Steele has been promoted to 3-star general at a Korean theter of operations, Hawkeye, Trapper and Col. Blake respond by breaking into a "musical number" of their own!
Rainbow Bridge
As Hawkeye and Trapper are planning to leave for Tokyo, an unusual offer to swap POW patients between the Chinese and the 4077th comes in. Henry, after much debate, agrees to send Hawkeye, Trapper, Frank, Radar, and Klinger into enemy territory. Frank almost botches the swap when he brings a squirt gun to the exchange. Fortunately, the Chinese Dr. Lin Tam has a sense of humor; he went to the University of Illinois, after all.
Officer of the Day
While Henry is away in Seoul, Burns and Houlihan are in charge, and Hawkeye is the officer of the day. His refusal to release a wounded Korean soldier, wanted by US Intelligence, leads to a confrontation with Colonel Flagg.
Iron Guts Kelly
General 'Iron Guts' Kelly arrives for an inspection, and ends up dying in Margaret's tent. Hawkeye and Trapper help the General's aide smuggle him out of camp. The next day he is reported killed at the front, as that is where he would have wanted to die.
O.R.
A massive onslaught of casualties keeps the 4077th unit mightily busy in the O.R. An Ethiopian soldier expresses gratitude to Hawkeye, while Frank nearly takes a healthy kidney out of a patient who has only one. Then Hawk performs an open-heart massage to revive a patient...only to tragically lose him four hours later. Mobile Army head shrink Sidney Freedman arrives for the weekly poker game only to scrub up and join in on the fun. Further panic starts when a fire starts in OR, but is quickly extinguished. Capts. Pierce and MacIntyre pass out on OR tables when the nightmarish session of meatball surgery finally ends.
Springtime
When spring arrives, Klinger gets word from home that his sweetheart back in Toledo wants to marry him. Father Mulcahy arranges to do this over short wave radio. Radar falls in love with a nurse, while a grateful patient won't leave Hawkeye alone, and even threatens Major Burns.
Check-Up
Trapper gets an ulcer and a ticket home. Unfortunately, his going-away party is spoiled by a new Army regulation, which forces him to stay.
Life With Father
Mail from home worries Henry that Lorraine may be seeing other men. Father Mulcahy presides over a Jewish circumcision ceremony for the Korean-born son of a US GI.
Alcoholics Unanimous
Henry's departure to Tokyo leaves Major Burns in charge of the 4077th. He declares total prohibition of alcohol, which leads to a near riot amongst the camp, especially from Hawkeye and Trapper.
There is Nothing Like a Nurse
The nurses are evacuated when the threat of an enemy parachute drop arises. Hawkeye and Trapper try to enliven everyone's spirits whilst they are gone. Hawkeye: "The plot thins. Watch the cake sue for malpractice when Frank cuts into it."
Adam's Ribs
Sick and tired of having liver and fish for an 11-day stretch, Hawkeye, driven near to insanity, starts a riot in the mess tent. He and Trapper then orders spare ribs and sauce from the best place he ever had them, in Chicago. Trapper calls a woman he spent a weekend with to pick up the ribs, and then they get choppered in. Unfortunately, right as they're sitting down to eat, wounded arrive, and Hawkeye is forced to postpone sinking his teeth into his beloved ribs.
A Full Rich Day
Hawkeye records a letter to his dad, detailing the exploits of a mad Turkish soldier who calls Hawkeye a "damn good Joe," the unfortunate loss of the corpse of a Luxembourg soldier (who turns out not to be dead), Lt. Hanri-Batiste LeClerc, and of a gun-happy officer.
Mad Dogs and Servicemen
A local dog bites Radar, and the camp conducts a search to find the pooch, so that Radar doesn't have to undergo a series of painful rabies vaccinations. Hawkeye defies Frank, to take care of a GI who's suffering from a case of hysterical paralysis.
Private Charles Lamb
A Greek Colonel thanks the 4077th by giving them food and drink for an Easter celebration. Bu the feast is foiled when softhearted Radar saves the main course from the spit - a lamb, which Radar tricks Henry into giving a medical discharge and sends home to Ottumwa, Iowa. Thus, Hawkeye and Trapper invent the famed Spam Lamb! Meanwhile, a soldier who had shot himself to get out of the army confesses to Frank, thinking he is Father Mulcahy.
Bombed
The camp is under fire and is swamped with wounded. Franks jealousy of trapper drives him to propose to Margaret.
Bulletin Board
Camp activities include Henry's nervous delivery of a sex lecture, with Hawkeye's and Trapper's heckling, a Shirley Temple movie, and a cookout.
The Consultant
Dr. Borelli visits the 4077th to demonstrate his artery transplant technique. Unfortunately, being so close to the front at the 4077th causes Borelli's drinking problem to interfere at the worst time - when a patient needs the transplant.
House Arrest
Hawkeye hits Major Burns and Houlihan is a witness. Despite Hawkeye and Trapper's claims that it wasn't intentional Frank makes allegations against Hawkeye. A female colonel is sent to investigate Burns' allegations. When she cries "Rape!" when Burns visits her tent, Houlihan recants her story, and Burns, not Hawkeye, ends up under house arrest.
Aid Station
Hawkeye, Houlihan, and Klinger go to an aid station at the front. Working closely together under heavy fire and unsanitary medical conditions, the three return to camp with new found respect for one another.
Love and Marriage
Hawkeye and Trapper prevent a GI from marrying a call girl who has TB, whilst trying to help a Korean soldier join his pregnant wife. Radar, of course, provides his usual invaluable help.
Big Mac
The camp prepares for a visit from General MacArthur. Klinger dresses as the Statue of Liberty as the General's jeep drives through the camp. MacArthur is so impressed, he salutes!
Payday
Frank buys two sets of Pearl's, one for Margaret and one for his wife. After some talk, Radar gets Hawkeye $3,000 in lost earnings, Hawkeye gives it to Mulcahy for the orphans, but then the army wants the money back. Trapper wins big at poker after using Hawkeye's watch as a stake, so Hawkeye takes his winnings to avoid a stay in the honeymoon suite of The Stockade Hilton.
White Gold
Colonel Flagg blows into camp trying to obtain penicillin to barter for information. But Flagg comes down with appendicitis, and the only penicillin he gets is in the keister.
Abyssinia, Henry
Actually, we won't. One of the classic M*A*S*H episodes. Henry finally gets his discharge. While he is tying things up, Burns prepares for his new command. Henry bids a tearful adieu, but not before Klinger turns up in an outrageous tropical outfit, and gets Henry to zip him up, and he gets a kiss Margaret. He gives Radar a hug and his last order, and departs by helicopter. The traumatic and shocking last scene finds Radar walking into the OR without a mask on, grief-stricken, to tell everyone of Colonel Blake's death when his plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan. The reaction of the doctors, who are forced to put aside their sadness for the time being so they can continue trying to save lives, is legend. The episode concludes with a succession of clips from past seasons' episodes featuring the late Henry Blake.
Welcome to Korea
Maj. Frank Burns takes full charge and gives the 4077th hell with his usual military regimen as the new CO (something he will soon be disappointed to learn is only temporary!); Lt. Col. Henry Blake having lost his life en route home. Capt. Hawkeye Pierce arrives back from 3 days R it didn't matter that it wasn't theirs, to Hawkeye a jeep was a jeep, so they commandeer it to get back to the 4077th. On the way back, they encounter a farming family using their daughters to check for land mines to protect their cows. A land mine explodes, injuring one daughter, and Radar braves the field to pick her up and bring her to their jeep. Having taken her to the hospital, they continue on their way to the 4077th and blow a tire. A group of locals walks by, then suddenly disappears. Hawk, Beej and Radar barely change the tire and evacuate as a barrage of gunfire erupts. Presumably out of danger, they meet up with a group of G.I's, only to have shells rain immediately down upon them, and B.J. gets his first taste of war when they have to treat the wounded soldiers. As BJ tries to help the injured men, the physical gruesomeness of one dead soldier makes him physically sick. After a detour to Rosie's bar, they become so riproaring drunk that only Radar is able to drive them back to the 4077th. Back at camp, B.J falls out of the jeep, landing at Frank's feet with a drunken "What say ya, Ferret Face?" indicating that he, like Hawk and his predecessor, Trapper John, won't fulfill Maj. Burns and Houlihan's wishes. Furthermore, Frank gets picked up by the M.P.s for stealing the General's jeep when he shows lousy timing in using it. The episode ends with the roster of the new cast of M*A*S*H and a "preview" of the arrival of Harry Morgan as Col. Sherman Potter in next week's episode.
Change of Command
Hawkeye and BJ finish building "The Henry Blake Memorial Bar," just as Radar comes in with news that a new commander is coming. Margaret is outraged to hear that Frank is being replaced, and Frank weeps in her tent. Col. Sherman T. Potter arrives and quickly meets Klinger, who's anxious to start working him for a Section 8---but, alas, to no avail. An officers' meeting finds Frank has apparrently left the 4077. Margaret informs Hawkeye and BJ that Frank has apparently gone AWOL. Choppers arrive bearing wounded, and, after a long OR session, Potter decides that he can use a belt---a matter of which The Eye Of The Hawk and Beej are only too happy to be a service. Frank finally returns, and when Klinger arrives wearing a sailor's dress, he is stunned to hear Col. Potter say, "Nice outfit, Klinger!"
It Happened One Night
A freezing night, an artillery barrage that's coming too close, a patient going downhill, and Frank's searching Hot Lips' tent for his letters.
The Late Captain Pierce
When Hawkeye's father is notified that he's dead, he finds it's no easy matter either to get word to him or to establish otherwise.
Hey, Doc
Its quid pro quo at the 4077th: two bottles of Scotch for secret surgery, and a tank to scare off snipers for an unauthorized shot of penicillin.
The Bus
...driven by Radar and taking Hawkeye, BJ, Potter and Burns back from a medical meeting, gets lost. After they stop to try to figure out where they are, the bus, having hit a deep rut during the trip, fails to start when they try to leave. Frank has candy bars but keeps them to himself. Radar, blaming himself when they get lost, goes out to search for help but doesn't return. The remaining four go out looking for him but come up emptyhanded. A North Korean soldier arrives and surrenders to them. Just then Radar finally returns, waking up Frank and sees his concealed chocolate bars. The prisoner manages to repair the bus and they start on their way, just as Frank "discovers" his chocolate bars and shares them.
Dear Mildred
While Potter writes home, Frank and Hot Lips have a wood carving made for him, and Radar rescues a horse and makes him a present of it.
The Kids
The 4077th plays host to kids bombed out of their orphanage, and at the same time has to deliver a baby and care for battle casualties.
Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler
Intelligence officer Colonel Flagg, and psychiatrist Sidney Freedman, grapples over the fate of a wounded officer, Captain Chandler, who claims to be Jesus Christ. Perhaps the most poignant scene is when Radar asks Chandler to bless his teddy bear.
Dear Peggy
B.J. writes home to his wife, Peg, reporting Klinger's escape attempts, the visit of a formidable chaplain, and one of Frank's goof-ups.
Of Moose and Men
Hawkeye tangles with a tough Army colonel, Colonel Spiker, B.J. helps Zale, who's received a "Dear John" letter, and Frank looks endlessly for Korean saboteurs.
Soldier of the Month
Frank has a fever and makes a will, leaving all his money to his wife and all his clothes to Hot Lips.
The Gun
A wounded colonel's gun, a showpiece, disappears, and Hawkeye and B.J. play a hunch and bluff Frank, who has it, into returning it.
Mail Call, Again
Mail brings a letter to Frank saying his wife is divorcing him, and one to Potter telling him he's going to be a grandfather.
The Price of Tomato Juice
Radar gets the help of Hawkeye and B.J. to procure something Colonel Potter says he's fond of, but that's hard to come by - tomato juice.
Dear Ma
Radar writes home to his mother, as Hawkeye conducts the camp foot inspection, and Colonel Potter gets some shrapnel in his backside.
Der Tag
Potter decides Frank would be less of a pain if the others were friendlier to him; they oblige, with some startling results.
Hawkeye
Hawkeye is injured in a jeep accident and, aware he has a concussion, babbles to a Korean family to keep himself awake.
Some 38th Parallels
Frank tries to distinguish himself by selling the camp garbage, but it's Hawkeye who finds a use for it: he dumps it on a troublesome Colonel Coner.
The Novocaine Mutiny
Frank has Hawkeye up on charges of mutiny, for usurping his authority when Potter was away on leave, and Frank was the C.O. The Judge Advocate, Colonel Carmichael, tries the case; BJ, Potter, and Radar are in attendance of the preliminary hearing to offer support for Hawkeye. There are several versions of what happened: according to Frank, he was trying to hold the 4077th together during heavy casualties when everyone else was falling apart; according to The Eye Of The Hawk, BJ and Radar, it was Frank who was out of control with his usual overzealous military regimen. Finding no evidence of the alleged mutiny, the judge drops all charges against Hawkeye and puts Frank in his place (but will he stay there?!).
Smilin' Jack
The 4077th turns up a sick helicopter pilot, 'Smilin' Jack, who doesn't want to quit, and a twice-wounded GI who does.
The More I See You
Hawkeye is reunited with a woman he thought was out of his life forever, but who never altogether leaves.
Deluge
A sudden deluge of wounded at the 4077th is followed by a fire and a rainstorm which makes matters difficult for the staff.
The Interview
Clete Roberts introduces this segment as his show; he's arrived at Korea to interview the staff of the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital because of its high 97% efficiency rating. In Roberts' interviews with Hawkeye, BJ, Frank, Radar, Klinger, Mulcahy and Potter, they talk about how they cope with their situation, what they miss about home, how they feel about who they work with, and whether they see any good in coming from war.
Bug Out
A rumour that there's going to be a practive bug-out causes anxiety. When Potter assembles the unit in an attempt to squelch the rumor, the call comes in to bug out, and the rumour suddenly comes to life! Meanwhile, Hawkeye begins surgery on a patient with a spinal injury. The bug-out proceeds without him, Hot Lips and Radar, and they quickly learn after the unit departs that they're in the midst of the front. When Potter, Mulcahy, BJ, Frank and the others arrive at the buildings which had been scouted by helicopter, they find the house full of "business girls," and Potter gives them Klinger's dresses to persuade them to leave the house. A helicopter comes to evacuate the spinal injury patient, and just as the three get ready to go to the new location, they find the 4077 is already returning, and eventually everyone reunites back at the camp, what with the Chinese being repulsed.
Margaret's Engagement
Margaret, calling from Tokyo, holds the camp in suspense until she returns with the news of her engagement to Lieutenant Colonel Donald Penobscott. Frank Burns takes the news hard and arrests a Korean family as spies.
Out of Sight, Out of Mind
While fixing a stove that explodes, Hawkeye's face is badly burned. His eyes are bandaged, and it is not known if he will ever see again. Meanwhile Frank bets on the outcome of a baseball game, which he has already heard on the radio. After much tension in the camp the bandages come off, and happily, Hawkeye can see again.
Lt. Radar O'Reilly
Following an offer of promotion made by Master Sergeant Woodruff at a poker game, Radar is promoted to the rank of lieutenant. Finding this position awkward, Radar opts to return to his position as an enlisted man.
The Nurses
When Hot Lips confines Nurse Baker to her quarters, little does she know that Baker's husband has arrived in the camp. Hawkeye and B.J. put them together in Hot Lips' tent, telling everyone that a quarantined patient has been placed there. When Hot Lips discovers what has happened, she breaks down and refuses to press charges.
The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan
After hearing that North Korean prisoners have been released in the area, everyone is upset when Margaret disappears. Colonel Flagg is called in to investigate, and bungles things in his usual manner. Finally Hot Lips returns, after helping in the birth of a Korean baby.
Dear Sigmund
Sidney Freedman, feeling depressed, visits the 4077th to observe how they fare under the pressures of war. He begins a letter to Sigmund Freud as a form of self-therapy, and releases his tension in the form of a practical joke with B.J., aimed at Frank Burns.
Mulcahy's War
After Frank discovers that Danny Fitzsimmons has shot himself to get out of combat, Father Mulcahy is called in. Realizing his lack of understanding of the fighting, Mulcahy accompanies Radar to an aid station, where they encounter the real war at first hand. Mulcahy performs an emergency tracheotomy, guided by Hawkeye over the radio.
The Korean Surgeon
When Dr. Syn Paik, a North Korean surgeon, arrives with some wounded, he is passed off as a South Korean by Hawkeye and B.J., but to no avail. Hot Lips and Frank try to convince Potter that Paik is a spy. Paik, Hawkeye, and B.J. agree that it would be in the interest of all for Syn to leave.
Hawkeye Get Your Gun
After 24 hours of surgery, Hawkeye and Potter venture off to a Korean hospital to lend a hand. Hawkeye is appalled to learn that he must carry a gun. After helping the Koreans, they are shelled on the way back. They scramble from the jeep before it is shelled, and Potter urges Hawkeye to shoot in self-defense, against Hawkeye's will, and he does...into the air.
The Colonel's Horse
While Colonel Potter goes to Tokyo on R&R, his horse develops colic. Klinger becomes chronically depressed, and Hot Lips gets appendicitis. The horse is flushed out with a hose, Hawkeye and B.J. perform an appendectomy on Hot Lips, and all are well when Potter returns, except Klinger. Potter offers Klinger a discharge for severe depression, and Klinger gets very excited, which loses him the discharge.
Exorcism
After Potter orders Radar to move a Korean spirit post believed to ward off evil spirits, things mysteriously begin to go wrong. When an old Korean man is brought into camp for medical attention, he refuses surgery unless the spirits in the camp are exorcised. A priestess is brought in, who exhibits her dance and her bells and chants. All is well, and Radar returns the spirit post to its original position.
Hawk's Nightmare
After Hawkeye bemoans the young age of the wounded, he appears to develop problems. Sleepwalking and bad dreams, according to Sidney Freedman, are taking Hawkeye back to a simple time, but the horrors of war continue to intrude. After Sidney's assurances that he is as sane as can be, Hawkeye's life once again seems to settle down.
The Most Unforgettable Characters
Radar gets accepted into the "Famous Las Vegas Writers School", and begins to write his impressions of the camp. It happens to be Frank's birthday, so Hawkeye and B.J. stage a fight with each other to make Frank happy. Radar: "Dear Mum, I gave up the writing course on account I found out I can write better as myself than as Hemingway, O'Neill, or any of those other bums. Simplistically yours, Walter."
38 Across
Befuddled by a crossword puzzle, Hawkeye persuades Potter to get his old friend Tippy Brooks, a whiz at puzzles, brought to camp. Tippy arrives with his commanding officer, thinking it's a medical emergency. Having scrubbed up and helped out with the wounded they provided the needed solution to the puzzle.
Ping Pong
Lieutenant Colonel Harold Beckett lies wounded in post-op waiting to get back to the front for thirty more days of combat duty to get his promotion. Meanwhile, Cho Lin, the Ping Pong champ, is engaged to Soony. He leaves to get her a ring, when the South Korean army conscripts him. He arrives at the 4077th as a wounded soldier, and after being patched up he is married at the camp.
End Run
Billy Tyler, a young black sergeant, is brought into camp with a bullet wound in the leg. He is a football player, and when he discovers that his leg has been amputated, he wants to die. After talks with Radar, Billy agrees that he must live on.
Hanky Panky
Nurse Carrie Donovan receives a "Dear Jane" letter from her husband, and practically falls apart. B.J. consoles her, and they spend the night together. Feelings of guilt come over B.J. until he discusses them with Donovan and the air is cleared.
Hepatitis
Hawkeye gets upset when Radar brings main and news from his hometown paper about the successes of a mediocre doctor. About this time, Hawkeye develops a psychosomatic back pain. But another health problem in the unit arises: Father Mulcahy comes down with infectious hepatitis. The 4077th unit mobilizes to prevent further cases, what with Hawkeye having to give the whole camp blood tests and gamma globulin. When he visits Margaret, she resists being injected at first but he gets her to discuss letters she's been getting from her future in-laws. She demands respect when he horses around over injecting her, and he then suggests respect is what she shoud demand from her in-laws. BJ in the meantime has to perform a very difficult operation and celebrates afterward; when he faints from excessive drinking, The Eye Of The Hawk provides him with his gamma globulin shot. When Col. Potter gives Hawk his shot, he suggests his envy of the mediocre doctor back home is the reason for his backache.
The General's Practitioner
In the midst of Hawkeye being considered, much to his distaste, for the position of a general's personal physician, Radar becomes a surrogate father to a Korean woman and her baby, until the baby's GI father returns.
Movie Tonight
A lull in the fighting meant no wounded and this gave a chance for the O.R. to get a much needed clean. Having to clean the O.R. was bad enough but what made it worse was the fact that Frank had been put in charge. And with no mail from home everyone was starting to become very irritable. At long last Mulcahy arrived with the mail, he also brought a movie, not just any old movie, this was My Darling Clementine, Col. Potter's all time favorite. The Colonel announced that the movie was to be screened in the mess tent and everyone was invited. Hawkeye saw this as an ideal opportunity to go out with one of the nurses, but he was too late they'd all been invited to a party at I-Corp. Frank was also out of luck when he tried to ask Hotlips to go with him. Klinger was acting as projectionist, but he wasn't having a lot of luck, the movie was in such poor condition that it kept breaking. While Klinger was repairing the movie Father Mulcahy went to the O'Club to fetch the piano and Col. Potter led everyone in a chorus of "The Tennessee Waltz". It wasn't long before Klinger had the movie ready to run again, but it didn't last for long, this time it was the projector bulb that had blown. With Mulcahy on the piano it was time for another sing along with everyone taking it in turns to sing. Next it was Radar who provided the entertainment, with impersonations of John Wayne and Jack Benny, (with a little help from Klinger and Father Mulcahy.) Then everyone did an impersonation of Father Mulcahy. Next it was Margaret's turn. She got so carried away with her song that the movie started running while she was still singing. By the time it came to the scene of the 'gunfight at the O.K. Corral' everyone was having a great time, in fact when they began acting out the scene, they got so involved they didn't hear the ambulance arrive in the compound. The movie was over but the war was still on. As everyone stood over their patients in the O.R they sang one final chorus of "My Darling Clementine".
Souvenirs
Korean children and American soldiers are often badly wounded when they hunt for souvenirs which the enemy have booby-trapped. Potter asks for it to stop, and Hawkeye and B.J. put a local junk dealer out of business.
Post Op
In the midst of a deluge of patients and their individual medical histories, the 4077th is out of blood. Everyone in camp is donating at 48-hour intervals when a truckload of Turkish soldiers arrives to offer their blood and save the day.
Margaret's Marriage
Provoked by pressure and antagonizing comments from Frank about the lack of a wedding date, Margaret approaches Donald Penobscott about when they will get married. The Lt. Colonel arrives at the 4077th to announce that they have decided to marry the very next day, and to thank Frank for persuading him. The nursing staff throws a wedding shower for Margaret, where Klinger donates a wedding dress (which his uncle used to get out of WWI) in her honor; mean while at The Swamp, the men get riproaring drunk at Lt. Colonel Penobscott's stag bachelor's party. When Don passes out, everyone departs, and BJ hatches a plot to put him in a body cast from his chest to his ankles and tell him he broke his leg! The ensuing wedding ceremony gets rushed when choppers bearing wounded start arriving, and scenes in the OR intervene. When The Major and Lt. Colonel get ready to leave for a honeymoon, she throws her bouquet, and Frank catches it, but he quicky hands it away, being an already married man. Hawk and Beej try to confess to Margaret about the fake cast and that Donald desn't need it, but she fails to understand what they are trying to say over the noise of the helicopter. When everybody departs, Maj. Frank Burns stays behind to wistfully watch the chopper fly away. Later at The Swamp, Frank bemoans his lost love, as Hawk, Beej and Potter look on.
Fade Out, Fade In
After Maj. Margaret Houlihan-Penobscott leaves for her honeymoon, Maj. Frank Burns becomes very distraught, so Potter sends him on R later, Hawkeye and BJ will discover that Margaret has already encountered marital troubles. Radar gets a temporary replacement for Maj. Burns: a Major Charles Emerson Winchester III. Maj. Winchester arrives at the 4077th, only to painfully discover that he's the permanent replacement after Frank Burns is thoroughly examined, uncannily acquitted, undeservingly promoted (to Lt. Colonel!!!), and quickly transferred to a VA hospital in Indiana. The Eye Of The Hawk and Beej struggle with Charles' conceit about his professionalism in OR, but they discover that he can take it as well as dish it out when it comes to practical jokes!
Fallen Idol
Hawkeye persuades a down-in-the-dumps Radar to sign a weekend pass, take a jeep to Seoul and visit the Pink Pagoda ("A little you-know never hurt anyone"). The next time Hawkeye sees Radar he is laying on a stretcher in pre-op, having been injured by a mortar round. Feeling responsible, Hawkeye insists on carrying out the surgery himself, and then heads straight for Rosie's bar to drown his guilt in Sake. He manages only 2 hours sleep before the sound of more choppers bringing more incoming wounded awakens him. So hung over is Hawk he is unable to finish an operation and leaves Winchester to close for him. Hawkeye calls into post-op to visit Radar, who tells him his behavior is a disappointment to those who look up to him. Hawkeye, resenting the hero role, explodes at Radar, leaving him nearly in tears. Father Mulcahy is the first to visit The Swamp to admonish Hawkeye on his indecent bedside manner (and then kick the stove!), followed closely by Col. Potter, and then by Margaret. Col. Potter demands Hawkeye apologize to Radar, but when he tries, a cold, unforgiving Radar turns him down. It takes a while, but they soon started talking again in Rosie's bar; Radar even gives Hawkeye his grape Nehi instead of beer. Hawkeye salutes Radar after pinning on his Purple Heart.
Last Laugh
Madness strikes as B.J. and his old friend Bardonaro play a series of practical jokes on each other, just as Bardonaro is about to leave Korea. Hawkeye gets the last laugh. He sends Bardonaro off without his traveling papers, and in a jeep with too little gas.
War of Nerves
The 4077th, caught up in tension and nerves, creates a bonfire to release their pressure. Meanwhile, Sidney Freedman is depressed over a young soldier who blames him for his injuries, because Freedman had sent him back into combat.
The Winchester Tapes
Hawkeye tries unsuccessfully to get to Seoul, to see Nurse Gilmore for the weekend. Meanwhile, Winchester has taped a letter home, asking for his influential parents to help get him back to the States. To get even, Hawkeye and B.J. switch Winchester's clothes, causing Winchester to alter his eating patterns.
The Light That Failed
With supplies low, the 4077th gets a truckload of ice cream churns and salt tablets. B.J. receives a mystery novel that everyone in camp reads in turn. The last page is missing and the solution to the mystery is undiscovered until B.J. calls the author by long distance.
In Love and War
A nurse arrives who may have been involved with Margaret's husband while in Tokyo.
Change Day
Charles plans a scheme to get rich when he discovers that blue scrip is going to be exchanged for red. Hawkeye and B.J. outsmart him, and he is left holding the worthless scrip.
Images
Radar notices a number of tattoos on one of the wounded, and convinces himself that with a tattoo he will be irresistible to women. Everyone tries to discourage him, and he admits to having received a tattoo that will wash off.
The M*A*S*H Olympics
Ames, an overweight sergeant is depressed that he's getting kicked out of the army because he's too fat, as soon as Klinger hears about this he begins eating whatever he can, hoping to gain freedom one pound at a time. To help out Ames, Hawkeye and BJ get him on a special weightloss program so he can stay in the army. An ambulance has tipped over, and while nobody is seriously hurt, Col. Potter is furious when a group of MPs manage to right the amublance when the Officers fail to even get close. As a result, exercises have now been made manditory, (something Frank Burns would've loeved to see if he were still at the camp.) When results aren't satisfactory, Col. Potter decides to hold a Mash version of the olympics with a three day pass as the rpize to whomever wins. To get this the participants start to play dirty and underhanded. Due to his insane eating, Klinger is eliminated when it proves to be too much for his stomach to bare. Donald shows up to take Margerate on a week away to Tokyo, but gets involved in the olympics as well. In the end it comes down to Ames and Donald racing for more than the three day pass, they're also racing for honor. Ames manages to win the three days when Donald shows off one time too many, getting caught in netting next to the finish line, making the race turn into a "Turtle and the hare" thing. Margerate is angry and Ames is thrilled by the outcome. Not only did he win three days in Tokyo, he also lost just enough weight to stay in the army!
The Grim Reaper
Colonel Victor Bloodworth predicts that 280 wounded will arrive at the 4077th. Hawkeye is antagonized by Bloodworth and shoves him against a wall. Bloodworth presses for a court martial until he becomes one of the wounded and watches Hawkeye saving a soldier's life. Realizing Hawkeye's value as a doctor, Bloodworth drops all charges.
Comrades in Arms (Part 1)
Col. Potter recruits Capt. Pierce and Maj. Houlihan-Penobscott to go to the 8063rd MASH to give a demonstration of arterial transplant surgery. The unit becomes concerned when they learn Hot Lips and Hawkeye are headed into peril. En route, The Eye Of The Hawk learns that Hot Lips is upset over a letter from Donald. When their jeep breaks down, Margaret is outraged with what she sees as his lack of manhood. They discover an abandoned hut, and Hawk gets Margaret to read her husband's letter; it turns out that Don sent her a letter meant for another woman! They settle in for the night, but a barrage of shelling bring them together in an embrace.
Comrades in Arms (Part 2)
The 4077th is upset; Margaret and Hawkeye are nowhere to be found. When Margeret and Hawkeye wake up, she cuddles with him and acts like they are longtime lovers, while he is more reluctant. BJ's worry prompts him to hire a chopper pilot to go looking for the pair. Margaret sees the chopper but is unable to attract the pilot's attention. Hot Lips and Hawkeye hide out in a rainstorm. When they finally reach the 8063rd, they quarrel during their demonstration yet they vow a professional relationship. When they finally return to the 4077th, she at first denies anything happened; she even goes so far as to demonstrate by slugging Hawkeye! Later, she reads a letter to "Hank" based on their night together, which she will send to Donald.
The Merchant of Korea
After Charles hands B.J. two hundred dollars, he begins to take advantage. Everyone gets together and persuades Charles to play poker. He has incredible beginner's luck until Radar discovers that Charles whistles loudly when he bluffs. They all win back their money and then some.
The Smell of Music
The 4077th has just ended a rough 3-day ordeal with wounded soldiers. Charles plays (?) a French horn and drives Hawkeye and B.J. crazy. They refuse to bathe until the French horn playing is stopped; the two are even forced to eat outside because of their unhygenic presences. Meanwhile Potter attempts to saves the life of a patient, Saunders, whose unfortunate accident has rendered him suicidal. Time and time again, Potter pleads against Saunders' taking the easy way out; Saunders holds out until a little dose of reverse psychology finally discourages him. When a "battle of the bands" eventually erupts between Winchester, Hunnicutt and Pierce, the camp collectively intervenes and hoses down Hawkeye and B.O. while Margaret has a soldier run over Charles' French horn with a jeep. Later, Sang Nu presents Charles with a new horn...one which doesn't have a mouthpiece!
Patient 4077
In need of a special surgical clamp, Hawkeye and B.J. hire Mr. Shin, a local jewelry dealer, to make it. Days later the clamp is used to save the leg of a wounded soldier. Mr. Shin goes into the surgical supply business.
Tea and Empathy
With British and American casualties heavy, the 4077th's supply of penicillin has been stolen. Father Mulcahy discovers, from Corporal Bryant, the location of some penicillin, and he and Klinger go out in search of it. They are shot at, but safely return with the drug and save the day.
Your Hit Parade
With the arrival of a shipment of records, Radar plays the part of a disc jockey and helps to get everyone through the incredibly long deluge of wounded.
What's Up, Doc?
Hot Lips, believing herself to be pregnant, asks Hawkeye to test her. The only rabbit available is Radar's pet, Fluffy. Hawkeye promises not to kill the rabbit while performing the test. Meanwhile, Greenleigh, a patient, holds Charles and B.J. at gunpoint, demanding he be sent back to Ohio. Greenleigh collapses from loss of blood, and Hot Lips isn't pregnant.
Mail Call Three
After a delay of three weeks, five sacks of mail arrive, and everyone in camp reacts to good and bad news from home. Hawkeye receives love letters addressed to another Benjamin Pierce, another man has approached B.J.'s wife, and Radar's mom has found a boyfriend. Klinger: "I may not have a family in Toledo, but I got one here."
Temporary Duty
With a temporary transfer of personnel between the 4077th and the 8063rd, Captain Roy Dupree replaces Hawkeye, whilst Lorraine Anderson makes eyes at Charles. Fearing this to be permanent, Charles and B.J. successfully conspire to have Dupree permanently removed from the 4077th. Charles (to Hawkeye): "God, I'm so glad you're back."
Potter's Retirement
Potter is upset when General Waldo Kent informs him that people in the 4077th are complaining about his leadership. Potter returns to camp and discovers that the complaints are coming from a Corporal (actually Lieutenant) Benson, who had been sent by a disturbed Colonel Frank Webster, who had been wounded some months earlier...and probably wanted payback for being made to wait until the real casualties were treated.
Dr. Winchester and Mr. Hyde
Charles takes amphetamines to keep up his energy level, and even drugs Radar's mouse, "Daisy", so that it will win a race against a Marine's mouse, "Sluggo".
Major Toppo
With the possibility of contaminated morphine, the doctors at the 4077th administer placebos to the patients, which seems to work. Meanwhile, a new soldier, "Boots" Miller, is released on a Section Eight.
Commander Pierce
Hawkeye undergoes a drastic change when he becomes temporary commander of the 4077th, and learns about the tedious bureaucracy and accompanying headaches that Colonel Potter deals with daily.
Peace On Us
Hawkeye becomes so disgusted with the stalled Panmunjon peace talks that he impulsively takes matters into his own hands, and goes to the meetings to lend a hand.
Lil
Colonel Potter meets a female soldier of the same age and interests as himself, named Lil. The others in the camp think that he might be cheating on Mildred, even though his friendship with Lil is completely platonic. Meanwhile Hawkeye tries to find out what B.J.'s initials stand for. As it turns out, he was named after his parents, Bea and Jay Hunnicutt.
Our Finest Hour
This episode finds newscaster Clete Roberts returning to the 4077th to follow up on his work in the Season Four finale, "The Interview," and update Korean War conditions. The ensemble cast is asked a series of questions; their answers are interspersed with clips from episodes of previous seasons and newsreel clips from the early 1950s. The interviews concern how the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital copes with the harshness of The Korean War, what they miss about home, what it's like to deal with Army bureaucracy, and how the 4077th resembles a family.
The Billfold Syndrome
Charles becomes so irate, when he is turned down for a future medical position at home, that he refuses to talk to anyone in the unit, until Hawkeye and B.J. send him a false telegram from home. Meanwhile, a young soldier, Jerry Wilson, can't remember his own identity, so Sidney Freedman is called for help.
None Like it Hot
Hawkeye and BJ are pleased that the new bath tub they ordered has arrived, since there is a heatwave in Korea. They decide to use it to cool down, but not to tell anyone else, since then everyone would want to use it. Charles arrives in the tent and sees the tub, and Hawkeye and BJ reluctantly agree to let him use it too if he doesn't tell anyone. Later on Margaret and Father Mulcahy find out about the tub, and the 5 agree to keep it secret, but already there are arguments about who can use it when and for how long. Radar is complaining of a sore throat and thinks it may be due to the heat. Feeling sorry for him, Hawkeye tells him about the tub - but Radar already knew about it, since he signed for it. The nurses overhear the conversation and soon the whole camp knows about it. People are queuing up to use it and fights break out between some personnel. Colonel Potter tells Hawkeye and BJ to get rid of it. Radar's throat is getting worse and Hawkeye and BJ have to take his tonsils out. Radar is very scared beforehand but Hawkeye and BJ reassure him. After the operation Radar says he wants some strawberry ice cream, but it is not available. The doctors go outside and meet Sgt Rhoden, who wants to buy the tub off them. He says he will give them anything they want, so they swap it for 12 year old Scotch - and strawberry ice cream for Radar. Radar is thrilled - but the whole camp find out and wants some. Radar shares the ice cream with everyone. Meanwhile Klinger reacts to the heatwave by wearing a thick fur coat and other heavy clothes, since Colonel Potter has told him if he can manage for 24 hours he will get his Section 8.....
They Call the Wind Korea
A strong windstorm affects the M*A*S*H personnel in varying ways: Hawkeye and most of the unit busy themselves securing items that could blow away; Radar prepares his animal hutch for the worst; a disgusted Charles switches his Tokyo-leave transportation from air to ground, and runs into a difficult medical situation en route to Seoul.
Major Ego
Charles assumes heroic proportions after reviving a dying patient with heart massage, and he becomes more insufferable than ever when a photojournalist from Stars and Stripes, Tom Greenleigh, arrives to publicize his medical prowess. Hawkeye (to Charles): "You're pompous, arrogant, and a total bore. But you're all right!"
Baby, it's Cold Outside
While everyone is complaining about the record cold snap, Charles becomes the most unpopular man in camp, when his parents send him a winter-ized polar suit that he insists on flaunting in front of everyone.
Point of View
In this unique episode, the camera becomes the eyes of a young wounded soldier. It records his sensory responses to being wounded, flown by helicopter to the 4077th, examined, operated on, and treated in post-operation.
Dear Comrade
Hawkeye and B.J. discover that Charles is living the life of Riley, thanks to the attentions of his menially paid Korean servant, Comrade Park, a man of unusual skills. He has an important contribution to make - a native remedy for a seemingly insoluble medical problem.
Out of Gas
Heavy casualties are arriving, creating severe problems for the M*A*S*H unit because they are nearly out of Pentothal. Mulcahy takes up a collection from everyone - including a case of wine from Charles' private supply - and he and Charles take the jeep to make a trade with the black marketers for Pentothal.
An Eye for a Tooth
Father Mulcahy takes being passed over for promotion philosophically until he hears of the rapid advancement made by a heroic helicopter pilot. Then his uncharacteristically bold actions stun Colonel Potter and the entire company.
Dear Sis
Father Mulcahy writes a pre-Christmas letter to his sister, who is a nun. He recounts his frustrations at not being more effective at the 4077th.
B.J. Papa San
B.J. almost becomes the surrogate father to a Korean family. Finding them a substitute for his own absent family, B.J. spends so much time with them that his medical efficiency begins to suffer, and Hawkeye worries about his health. B.J.: "First they take me from my wife and kid, and just when I find something to help fill the gap, they take that away, too."
Inga
It's instant attraction for Hawkeye when a beautiful Swedish doctor, called Inga, arrives to observe combat surgery. That is, until she upstages him in the operating room with a superior technique, and his ego is bruised.
The Price
The 4077th is confronted by two crises: Colonel Potter's mare, Sophie, mysteriously disappears from her corral, and Hawkeye and B.J. find themselves with a young Korean boy on their hands, who is trying to avoid conscription into the Army.
The Young And The Restless
A lecture on the latest techniques by a young surgeon from Tokyo, and a later demonstration of his surgical skill, turns Winchester into a drunk and Potter into an invalid, whilst bringing home to Hawkeye and B.J. that they are out of touch with new medical practices.
Hot Lips is Back in Town
Radar, who is smitten with the cute new nurse, Linda Nugent, relies on Hawkeye's expertise on how to cope with the situation. Hot Lips, meanwhile, celebrates her just-granted divorce by taking a step that arouses Colonel Potter's ire.
C*A*V*E
The 4077th evacuation to a nearby cave to, avoid U.S. artillery fire on a Chinese target, poses problems for Hawkeye, who has a claustrophobia problem that Colonel Potter is unaware of. On the other hand, Margaret hates loud noises. And then there's the problem of a seriously wounded soldier...
Rally Round the Flagg, Boys
The sinister Colonel Flagg pops up at the 4077th again, playing his usual spy games, convinced that Hawkeye is a communist sympathizer, after he saves the life of a North Korean soldier. Also, an American soldier is less than impressed.
Preventive Medicine
On a sub-note, Klinger plays the part of a voodoo practioner to try and get out of the army.
A Night at Rosie's
Hawkeye, B.J., and their medical cohorts find a new way to escape the depressing atmosphere of the war, remaining at Rosie's Bar, much to the displeasure of Colonel Potter.
Ain't Love Grand
The impossible happens for the snobbish Charles when he shares an emotional experience with Klinger, who discovers a U.S. nurse, Debbie, finds him and his bizarre attire attractive, while Charles succumbs to the exotic charms of a Korean girl, called Sooni, who he meets at Rosie's Bar.
The Party
Talk of a post-war reunion suggests an idea to B.J.: planning a present-day stateside gathering of 4077th families, a scheme he continues to promote even under the duress of "bugging out" in the wake of a Chinese breakthrough.
Too Many Cooks
A clumsy foot soldier, 'Look out below' Conway, finds the quickest way to the crew's heart, boosting morale at the 4077th by cooking gourmet delights. Only Colonel Potter, burdened with a personal crisis, is immune from the high spirits enveloping the hospital.
Are You Now, Margaret?
A Congressional aide, Williamson, visits the 4077th on a supposedly routine fact-finding tour, but it's discovered that his motives are far deeper - too uncover Margaret as a communist sympathizer. His case is full of innuendo, so the gang set out to help Margaret.
Guerilla My Dreams
The arrival of a wounded Korean woman sparks a conflict at the 4077th: Hawkeye wants to heal her, but a steely ROK officer, Lt. Park, is more anxious to "question" her about alleged guerilla activities.
Good-Bye Radar (Part 1)
On leave in Tokyo, Radar is desperately needed back at the crisis-stricken 4077th, but his return is delayed by outside events. While casualties continue to pour in from the front, the 4077th's generator conks out, and the backup has been stolen, depriving the medical unit of all electrical power. But Klinger, filling in for the vacationing Radar, lacks the expertise and experience to wheel and deal for a new machine.
Good-Bye Radar (Part 2)
As company clerk Radar O'Reilly reluctantly prepares to depart the 4077th, the unit is still without electricity due to a broken generator, and the operating room continues to fill up with war wounded as night falls. The responsibility for procuring a new generator falls on Klinger, who lacks Radar's masterful knack of cutting through red tape in search of much-needed supplies.
Period of Adjustment
Col. Potter is continuously covering for Klinger, who, as new company clerk, has become so overwhelmed by the increasing demands of the unit, he has gotten far behind in his army paperwork. He gets sick of everyone giving him a hard time, forever comparing him to by-now departed Radar O'Reilly and how he doesn't measure up to him. A letter from Peg Hunnicutt brings news of Radar's visit to San Francisco (en route to his hometown in Iowa). When poor BJ reads his daughter Erin called Radar "Daddy!" because he was wearing a uniform just like her real daddy, he is put into so deep a funk he gets very drunk, destroys the still, slugs Hawkeye and disappears, along with Klinger. As Hot Lips and Charles search for them, they discover that BJ and Klinger, fresh from the officers' club, were kicked out of Rosie's Bar as a result of throwing darts, pretzels and peanuts at Radar's face drawn on a napkin. Meanwhile, Father Mulcahy tells Potter an interesting story about another company clerk who had an equally harrowing time learning about his job: Radar! BJ and Klinger are discovered in Potter's office, having broken into his liquor cabinet and getting even more drunk. Potter talks to Klinger, apologizes, and tells him to ease into the job and make it his, while BJ breaks down and confesses to Hawkeye his jealousy of Radar and his predecessor Trapper John, both being back home, and the tragic realization of how, no matter what happens, all of the time he spent away from his daughter is lost forever. The two make up and, along with Klinger, rebuild the still.
Nurse Doctor
A beautiful and ambitious young nurse, Harris, who plans to become a doctor when she leaves the Army, finds herself in a misunderstanding with Father Mulcahy. Meanwhile, the camp's water supply is depleted, and the rest of the 4077th is more concerned about where their next shower will come from.
Private Finance
A South Korean Woman misinterprets Klinger's motives when he tries to aid her daughter financially. Meanwhile, Hawkeye wrestles with his conscience over a promise made to a dying soldier, Eddie Hastings.
Mr. and Mrs. Who?
Charles returns to the 4077th after a trip to Tokyo with an uncharacteristic hangover and the uneasy feeling of a romantic entanglement. Meanwhile, the hospital struggles to find a cure for an outbreak of deadly hemorrhagic fever.
The Yalu Brick Road
Hawkeye and BJ lose their way while rushing urgently needed antibiotics to the 4077th, which is wracked with low-mileage Thanksgiving turkey-induced salmonella. Wandering back to M*A*S*H, the pair are found by a peculiar North Korean soldier.
Life Time
As Hawkeye, BJ, Klinger and Hot Lips play cards, a chopper arrives bearing a soldier with a severely lacerated aorta who will die or be permanently paralyzed if he doesn't receive major surgery in 20 minutes. Hawkeye does an emergency procedure to quell the bleeding by temporarily cutting off the blood supply to the spine, and the 4077th staff must work quickly to prevent paralysis. They try to buy more time as they search desperately for a graft. When more wounded arrive, Roberts, the friend of a dying soldier named Harold Sherwood (with a severe head injury), berates BJ for not trying to save him. The reason is that Sherwood could provide an aortic graft, and waiting for the graft donor to expire takes up precious time, for he is still using it. Roberts' wrath is unintentionally incurred when he learns they want to use his friend's artery as a graft for the man being operated on. BJ works fast to take the graft when Sherwood dies, and Mulcahy comforts Roberts by telling him that his friend is giving of himself for the sake of another soldier in peril. He then suggests that Roberts tell the injured man who gets the graft all about his pal. The operation is a success!
Dear Uncle Abdul
Klinger discovers that his duties as company clerk include catering to the eccentric whims of the 4077th officers. Consequently, the unusual demands by Klinger's superiors leave little time to write a letter home to Toledo. Meanwhile, the Doctors are concerned about a young soldier who appears to be mentally deficient.
Captain's Outrageous
A brawl at Rosie's Bar puts Rosie in the hospital, and the 4077th doctors are pressed into service as temporary saloon-keepers. Meanwhile, Father Mulcahy is apprehensive that his long-pending promotion to captain will again be denied. Potter: "The Pentagon. Weird looking building. Four walls and a spare. Monument to Murphy's Law."
Stars and Stripes
Friction arises between B.J. and Winchester when they are asked to write an article for a prestigious medical journal, on how they saved a soldier's life with a daring operation. Meanwhile, Hot Lips receives an eventful visit from Scully, her combat soldier beau.
Yessir, That's Our Baby
A baby born to a Korean woman and an American GI is abandoned at the 4077th. Knowing that Amer-Asian children are often mistreated in Korean society, the troop sets about the frustrating task of finding a new home for the infant.
Bottle Fatigue
Horrified by the gigantic size of his monthly bar tab at the officer's club, Hawkeye vows to give up booze for a week. Meanwhile, Winchester desperately tries to halt his sister's impending marriage to a man he considers unworthy of the Winchester heritage.
Heal Thyself
Colonel Potter turns crotchety when he catches the mumps, and his condition is worsened when Winchester gets the same disease and has to be quarantined with him. A temporary replacement surgeon, Newsome, is quickly brought into the 4077th and seems to be a gem in terms of both personality and ability.
Old Soldiers
Hawkeye is appointed temporary commander of the 4077th when Colonel Potter rushes off to Tokyo on a mysterious mission. While in command, Hawkeye's main problem is housing a large group of Korean refugees comprised mainly of rambunctious children who need medical care.
Morale Victory
Tired of their constant complaints about the quality of recreational activities at the 4077th, Colonel Potter appoints Hawkeye and B.J. as the new morale officers. Winchester's morale has already reached a new peak: He's ecstatic about his operation on a wounded soldier, Sheridan, which saved the boy's leg, leaving only "negligible" side effects - less use of his right hand. However, the soldier was a concert pianist before the war, so Winchester obtains music written by Maurice Ravel for a pianist that had lost a hand in World War I.
Lend a Hand
Irritated that the 4077th is planning a "surprise" party for him, Hawkeye volunteers to go to the aid of a wounded surgeon at the front. An additional irritant to Hawkeye is the arrival of Dr. Borelli, a wisecracking medical advisor with whom he habitually disagrees.
Goodbye, Cruel World
Klinger redecorates his quarters, but the resultant ridicule he receives drives him to new heights in his efforts to get out of the Army. Meanwhile, the doctors are perplexed by the reaction of an Asian-American war hero who tries to kill himself when he's told that he will be going home. Sidney Freedman is called in to assist.
Dreams
The 4077th can't escape the Korean War, even in its dreams. Exhausted after two days without sleep, members of the 4077th steal away for catnaps and experience dreams that reveal their fears, yearnings and frustrations.
War Co-Respondent
B.J. finds himself attracted to a famous war correspondent, Aggie O'Shea, who has fallen in love with him.
Back Pay
Angered by the way civilian doctors in the States are profiting from the war, Hawkeye presents the Army with a bill for his medical services. Meanwhile, Charles reluctantly demonstrates American medical practices to three Korean medics, and is on the receiving end of their medical expertise.
April Fools
A no-nonsense Colonel, who is notorious as a hard-nosed disciplinarian, visits the 4077th during an outbreak of April Fools' Day pranksterism. Colonel Potter tries in vain to halt the mayhem before Colonel Tucker arrives in camp.
The Best of Enemies
On his way to some R&R in Tokyo, Hawkeye is forced by a North Korean soldier to perform an emergency roadside operation on his buddy.
Letters
Members of the 4077th share their impressions of war in response to letters from fourth graders in Hawkeye's hometown. Margaret writes about how there are some patients she will never forget, whilst the Colonel tells of his days as 'Hoops' Potter. Hawkeye: "Dear Ronnie, it's a shame to let the love you have for your brother turn to hate for others. Hate makes war, and war is what killed Keith. I understand how you feel. Sometimes I hate myself for being here. But sometimes in the midst of all this insanity, the smallest thing can make my being here seems worthwhile. Maybe the best answer I have for you is that you look for good wherever you can find it."
Cementing Relationships
A jilted Italian soldier, Corpsman Ignazio De Simone, is smitten by Margaret; and Klinger pours a cement floor in the operating room to fight the spread of germs. Charles: "My good man, I have better things to do than listen to someone make no sense in two languages."
Father's Day
Margaret has trouble pretending she's a chip off the old block when her dad, blood and guts "Howitzer" Al Houlihan, arrives for a visit.
Death Takes a Holiday
Meanwhile, Winchester fulfills a family Christmas tradition but has trouble maintaining the anonymity required to keep it a truly charitable act. Even Klinger lends a hand. Be sure to stay till the end, there are some great moments in this one.
A War for all Seasons
On New Year's Eve, the staff looks back on the highlights of 1951: The doctors invent an artificial kidney machine; Mulcahy plants a garden; Margaret takes up knitting; and Klinger and Winchester bet on which baseball team will win the pennant.
Your Retention Please
Klinger is so depressed by news that his ex-wife plans to remarry, he reenlists for an additional six-year hitch. Meanwhile, a male nurse has a gripe against the army.
Tell it To the Marines
Winchester takes command during Potter's absence; and B.J. and Hawkeye try to convince the Marines to grant a hardship discharge to an immigrant soldier, Private Jost Van Liter.
Taking the Fifth
Hawkeye uses a bottle of vintage wine to lure unsuspecting nurses into his den; and Potter tries to secure a different sort of anesthetic when the army threatens to ban a painkiller.
Operation Friendship
Klinger saves Winchester's life when an explosion rocks the operating room; and B.J. is reluctant to reveal the extent of his injuries after the blast. Hawkeye: Charles is fine, but Klinger has damage to over fifty percent of his body. His nose is broken."
No Sweat
Margaret develops a case of prickly heat, Charles does his tax returns, and Klinger takes the P.A. apart - just some of the events, which occur during another unendurably, hot night at the 4077th.
Depressing News
Klinger's army newspaper reports on Hawkeye's monument to military stupidity; a giant tower made from a half million erroneously shipped tongue depressors.
No Laughing Matter
Hawkeye wagers that he can go a full day without a wisecrack, and Winchester finally confronts the major who exiled him to the 4077th. Charles: "I will not, even for a return to that pearl of the Orient, Tokyo, lie to protect you while destroying a friend's career."
Oh, How We Danced
Winchester is sent to inspect sanitary conditions on the frontlines, while the rest of the camp plans a surprise anniversary party for B.J.
Bottoms Up
One of Margaret's nurses tries to hide her severe drinking problem, and Hawkeye is scorned after a practical joke he plays on Winchester backfires.
The Red/White Blues
Hawkeye is taking Col Potter's blood pressure for a physical, but his blood pressure is too high. The results are not due for another 2 weeks, so Col Potter asks Hawkeye to help him keep his blood pressure low and then retake the test in 2 weeks time. This will mean he is not to get angry, or drink alcohol, or smoke, or anything like that. Hawkeye is sworn to secrecy, as the Colonel does not want people molly-coddling him. Klinger has been feeling very tired recently, and his back is aching. When the Colonel discovers that Klinger has made a mistake with some forms, he almost yells at Klinger - but then Hawkeye reminds him not to get angry. Klinger is puzzled by Col Potter's behaviour, so Hawkeye lets him into the secret. Soon enough eveyrone knows, and Col Potter finds out they know - which means they are molly-coddling him, and this is not going to help out his blood pressure. Meanwhile Klinger's condition is getting worse, and when Goldman comes down with the same thing, Hawkeye and BJ wonder if the "wrong medicine" the Army sent them by mistake is to blame.
Bless You, Hawkeye
When Hawkeye can't stop a sneezing fit that has no apparent cause, psychiatrist Sidney Freedman digs into the surgeon's past for a clue to this unusual malady.
Blood Brothers
Hawkeye is overcome by the devotion of a terminally ill G.I., who has leukemia, for his critically wounded buddy, but he has trouble coming to terms with the fact that he can't cure the man. Meanwhile, Father Mulcahy is worried about the impending visit of a Cardinal.
The Foresight Saga
The 4077th is given a gift of fresh-grown vegetables by a grateful Korean; and Potter questions the veracity of an upbeat letter from Radar.
The Life You Save
After Charles is nearly felled by a sniper's bullet, he develops a philosophical obsession with death. Meanwhile, the officers have all been assigned new responsibilities.
That's Show Biz
A touring USO show brings an unexpected touch of vaudeville to the 4077th when the star showgirl requires an emergency operation. And wouldn't you know, the comedian is Klinger's hero!
Identity Crisis
Father Mulcahy counsels a GI who is plagued by guilt because he has swapped tags with a dead colleague. Meanwhile, B.J. and Charles consider ways of keeping a soldier-salesman quiet.
Rumor at the Top
The latest scuttlebutt affects everyone's behavior when a visiting is rumored to be recruiting for a new M*A*S*H unit. The gang fears that the 4077th will be split up.
Give 'em Hell, Hawkeye
Hawkeye writes a heartfelt letter to President Harry Truman to protest at the continued fighting in Korea. Meanwhile, Colonel Ditka has promised a much-needed water-heater if the 4077th beautifies the camp.
Wheelers and Dealers
On the eve of a big poker game, B.J.'s pride is bruised when he finds out his wife is working as a waitress. And Potter takes driving lessons from Klinger.
Communication Breakdown
Winchester infuriates the camp when he hoards his stateside newspapers, and Hawkeye reunites two Korean brothers who have been fighting on opposite sides of the war.
Snap Judgment (Part 1)
The military police think they've solved a rash of thefts at the 4077th when they apprehend Klinger with Hawkeye's stolen camera.
Snappier Judgment (Part 2)
B.J. and Hawkeye resolve to clear Klinger's name after he chooses Winchester to defend him at his military court-martial.
'Twas the Day after Christmas
To boost post-yuletide morale on Dec 26, Potter has the officers and enlisted men change places for the day.
Follies of the Living - Concerns of the Dead
Whilst suffering a fever, Klinger communicates with the spirit of a dead soldier, Private Weston, who stays on to witness his own last rites.
The Birthday Girls
Margaret's birthday plans are spoiled when she and Klinger get stranded on a desolate roadside. Meanwhile, Charles gives a lecture for Margaret, and the surgeons assist in the delivery of a calf.
Blood and Guts
Hawkeye is outraged when a sensationalistic war correspondent, Clayton Kibbee, reports irresponsible G.I. stunts as tales of military valor. Kibbee: "As for the last two pints of blood, there's no big finale, no heroes. They helped an old soldier, who'd had visions of glory but finally got it through his thick head how tragic and inhumane war can be. Maybe he'll know better next time."
A Holy Mess
An AWOL soldier, Nick Gillis, seeks sanctuary in the mess tent, after Father Mulcahy's service. At the same time, a special Sunday brunch is due to be served, following the donation of some eggs to the camp by a grateful farmer.
The Tooth Shall Set You Free
Charles has serious toothache, but hates the thought of having an. And the doctors suspect prejudice when an inordinate number of black casualties are brought in from a single unit, led by Major Weems.
Pressure Points
Col. Potter is very bothered at learning of Hawkeye's having to reopen one of his patients to remove some fragments which caused an infection. When Potter loses his nut during a guest lecture (he later blows his stack again in the cafeteria upon learning Hawk had okayed his patient's release behind his back), he immediately summons shrink Sidney Freedman to help him deal with his crisis of confidence. He tells Freedman he feels his skills are slipping and doesn't feel comfortable about performing surgery. In the meantime, Charles decides to retaliate against his messy roomates by becoming a slob himself. When the rivaly reaches a breaking point which nearly ruins The Swamp, Potter only reacts calmly, and Freedman asks why he was so easy on them; Potter says they were just blowing off steam. Freedman suggest Potter needs to do the same.
Where There's a Will, There's a War
Hawkeye goes to help at an aid station, and under heavy shelling he draws up a will, leaving various items to his friends at the 4077th.
Promotion Commotion
Winchester, Pierce, and Hunnicutt find themselves in the sticky position of having to decide which enlisted men to recommend for promotion. For Winchester it could be a matter of life and death.
Heroes
Hawkeye is the golden boy of the world press when he treats a celebrity prizefighter, 'Gentleman' Joe Cavanaugh, who has a stroke at the 4077th. Father Mulcahy finds the news hard to take, as Cavanaugh was a hero of his.
Sons and Bowlers
After losing to the Marines once again, Colonel Potter wishes there was one sport the 4077th were any good at. When Klinger mentions he can bowl, the Colonel decides to have a bowling competition. Unfortunately, he and Klinger are the only 2 good bowlers in the camp, so BJ and Father Mulcahy are "recruited" to the team. Colonel Potter becomes obsessed with winning the game, and excludes Margaret from the team because she helped the team lose at softball. Then the 4077th team hear the Marines have got a "ringer" in their team after pulling some strings..... Meanwhile, Hawkeye finds out his father is in hospital and tries to speak to him over the phone, watched by Charles, who envies Hawkeye's close relationship with his father.
Picture This
Potter's attempts to assemble the crew for a family portrait are thwarted by a feud between bunkmates Pierce, Hunnicutt, and Winchester. Things are not helped by the efforts of Margaret, Klinger and Mulcahy to bring the Swampmen back together.
That Darn Kid
Klinger buys a goat, with the intention of getting rich by selling it's milk. Then the goat eats the 4077th's $22,340 payroll, leaving paymaster Hawkeye holding the bag. Meanwhile, Charles also thinks he can make a killing when he sees an ancient vase.
Hey, Look Me Over
Just as the nurses return to a shambles after a bug out, Margaret learns that Col. Beatrice Bucholz, a very tough inspector and an even bigger by-the-book battleax than (dare we say it?!) Hot Lips herself, is on her way to the 4077th MASH for a inspection. The Eye Of The Hawk's attempts to hit on the nurses during cleanup are met only by putoffs and rebuffs by everyone except Kellye who isn't pretty as some of the others but would like to be teased by him. They dance at the officer's club, but when the music gets slow, Hawkeye breaks thing off and checks out other women, ignoring poor Kellye. When Col. Bucholz arrives, she is especially tough on Margaret, turning her into a tyrant. Kellye angrily confronts Hawkeye in the scrub room, and "Hot Head" Houlihan, humiliated by the commotion, furiously admonishes Hawkeye and Kellye for shouting loudly. Hawkeye later learns a lesson about inner beauty when he sees Kellye confront a dying patient. At the officers' club that night, Margaret is ecstatic to learn she's been given a satisfactory rating by Col. Bucholz, and Hawk and Kel end by dancing alone, together.
Trick or Treatment
It's Halloween time at the 4077th and party time at Rosie's. Hawkeye is planning to go to the party as Superman, B.J. as a clown, Klinger as a gangster, Potter, a cowboy, and Hot Lips a geisha girl. Charles doesn't like Halloween, and since he's on duty, he has to go get a billiard ball out of a Marine's mouth. The party is ruined when lots of casualties arrive. The doctors have to call for Father Mulcahy, who is at the orphanage for a Halloween party there, because a solider is brought in dead. Col. Potter tries to explain to Charles that Halloween is about getting scared, not partying. He starts off a flurry of ghost stories with his story about his wife Mildred having a dream in 1939 about her brother Calvin coming into her room sitting on her bed, and shaking his head at her kind of sadly; the next morning, she learns her brother had succumbed to a heart attack. The generator then goes half-power and more causalities show up, some of them drunks from Rosie's. Hawkeye regales a tale of his uncle following a ship, The Luck Of The Irish, into safe port, and then watching the ship sail back out to sea; the uncle then finds out that The Luck Of The Irish sank over 20 years ago. And then, even more casualties come. The dead man is still lying on the ground, but he really isn't dead, his hand twitches right as he is covered by a sheet. Margaret tells a story about a woman taking a picture of her husbands car wreck, and when the film is developed, her husband is standing there, wearing the suit she bought for his funeral. The not-so-dead man is finally loaded into a truck by Graves Registration men while Hawkeye tries to get a malnourished soldier, Scala, to eat. Scala has his own ghost story to tell: he confesses to Hawkeye that all his soldier friends (Bertelson, Wooster and Greenway) were killed while he was in the chow line getting food, so he stopped eating because, if he hadn't been such a pig, he would have died with his friends and wouldn't have to live with the memory of seeing their dead, surprised faces. Hawkeye arranges plans to call for Sidney Freeman and Father Mulcahy arrives from the orphanage. On learning of the dead (?) soldier from Hawk and that he was (is?!) Catholic, Father wishes to give him Last Rites, and stops the men from Graves Registration just as they haul the corpse (?!!) away. While administering The Rites, the man sheds a tear and Father Mulcahy yells for Hawkeye. The soldier was never dead to begin with, but with more holes in him than a golf course and being with no pulse and no heartbeat, the people at the battallion aid station he was brought to passed him on as dead to the 4077th. And the people at the 4077th, after they see the toe-tag on a man, they take it to mean he is dead and don't bother seeing if he is or isn't! Everyone is amazed at the soldier coming back from the dead and Col. Potter congratulates Father Mulcahy on saving a life. Charles is frightened out of his wits when the his lamp starts to move on its own! In reality its only B.J. pulling on a string that is attached to the lamp and brought around the tent to B.J.'s hand.
Foreign Affairs
The Army tries to get a North Korean pilot to defect, and Charles gets a rude shock when he falls for a French nurse with a Bohemian past.
The Joker is Wild
When everyone, especially Hawkeye, grows tired of BJ's constant immature jokes, they are reminded of Trapper, who was well-known for his joke prowess. BJ then challenges that he can pull a joke on all of them in 24 hours...or he'll do a striptease in the mess tent. Charles is the first joke recipient when he finds a snake in his bed, followed by Potter, whose toothpaste has been replaced with shaving cream. Hot Lips falls next, as the rear end of her robe has been cut out, followed by Father Mulcahey, who eats highly peppered food. Hawkeye begins to become paranoid, and acts strangely around a visiting surgeon from the 8063 MASH because he is an old friend of BJ's. This paranoia increases when Klinger falls victim to an exploding file drawer, and he becomes the only one left. Finally, Hawkeye takes his cot outside and sleeps surrounded by barbed wire. The next morning, Hawkeye claims victory, but BJ reveals that everyone was in on the joke, and that Hawkeye's paranoia was the greatest joke of all, so he sings "You're The Tops" while dropping his bottoms. But The Eye Of The Hawk is never one not to have the last laugh, and manages to shave off half of BJ's moustache while he's asleep!
Who Knew?
Hawkeye volunteers to deliver the eulogy for a dead nurse that he briefly dated, and belatedly discovers her deep feelings for him.
Bombshells
Posing the theory that people will believe in anything, Charles and Hawkeye start a rumor that Marilyn Monroe plans to visit the 4077th, which gets everyone excited. Meanwhile, B.J. feels responsible when he's unable to rescue a wounded soldier, and is less than impressed when he is presented with a Bronze Star.
Settling Debts
Hawkeye and the crew surprise Colonel Potter with a party to commemorate Mildred's final payment on the couple's mortgage.
The Moon is Not Blue
With the camp facing prohibition, and a severe medical supply shortage, during another heat wave, Hawkeye resolves to lift morale by importing a racy new movie.
Run For the Money
When an Olympic runner assigned to the 4077th fails to materialize, Father Mulcahy must save the camp's honor in a high-stakes footrace against the 8063rd.
U.N., the Night and the Music
A United Nations delegation tours the 4077th - a Swede, a Hindu, and a British officer - and each leaves a lasting effect on the men and women of the camp.
Strange Bedfellows
The 4077th faces a sleepless night as Charles's snoring keeps B.J. and Hawkeye from counting sheep. Meanwhile, Colonel Potter discovers that his son-in-law, Bob Wilson, has had an affair.
Say No More
A military strategist refuses to accept responsibility for the war games that have mortally wounded his own son. And Margaret develops laryngitis, as she is about to meet her hero, Dr. Chesler.
Friends and Enemies
Margaret gets a phonograph, but no records, and proceeds to get friendly with Charles to get some of his. Meanwhile, Woody Cooke, an old friend of Potter's, arrives at the 4077th as part of a group of wounded. Hawkeye learns from another man that Woody wandered in during fighting and started giving orders to stay, inflicting even more injuries. Hawkeye tells Potter, who reacts defensively at first but determines the men are right and confronts Woody on his reckless behavior, telling him he will report him. Woody doesn't take the news well and storms out, thus ending a 40 year friendship. Meanwhile BJ, who is confined to the swamp after hurting his foot, tries to manipulate both Charles and Margaret so he won't have to hear any more of Charles's records, but they wise up to him and get back at him.
Give and Take
Potter returns from Seoul to learn that Charles failed to fulfill his charity officer duties on payday. The duty gets traded and bartered among the 4077th medical staff and is finally reverted to Charles. In the meantime, a wounded North Korean comes in, soon followed by the GI who shot him. The two men are placed next to each other, making the American soldier uncomfortable. The North Korean, surprisingly, shows generosity to him but later dies and the GI feels remorse. He talks to Potter who suggests it should be a rule of war to know your enemy before you can do them in. Charles finally solves his charity collection problems by contributing for everyone.
As Time Goes By
Charles reads about a time capsule being buried under a Los Angeles skyscraper, inspiring Margaret to do one for the 4077. Hawkeye volunteers to help but Margaret is skeptical he will treat it as a joke. In the meantime, BJ plays a joke on Sgt. Rizzo, who gets retribution when he brings a phony handgrenade into the showere where BJ is showering. Soon-Li Hahn, a young Korean woman, is accused of firing at GIs, but denies it, and she is later proven innocent. Hot Lips and Hawkeye end up doing separate time capsule solicitations and conflict with each other. When time arrives for the unit to gather for the time capsule burial, Margaret learns Hawkeye has selected some very appropriate items: a fan belt from a helicopter, Radar O'Reilly's teddy bear (standing for all the soldiers who arrived as boys and left as men), and a fishing hook once belonging to Henry Blake (standing for all the soldiers who never made it home). A pair of boxing gloves are also contributed, courtesy of Father Mulcahy ("In the future, if countries feel the need to go to war, they can use these to settle it!"). Best of all, Margaret and Hawkeye decide to bury not just the capsule, but the hatchet as well.
Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen
In the closing days of the Korean War, the staff of the 4077 M*A*S*H Unit find themselves facing irrevocable changes in their lives.